i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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