Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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