then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
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marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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my poor anus
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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