Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize