I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize