You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My bed smells like the plague
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