I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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