And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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