I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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