the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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