yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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