you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
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with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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