I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
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Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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