I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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