you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
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how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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