my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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