I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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