drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
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You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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