Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
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Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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