Your face is a jimmy john
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Holy sore nipples Batman
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
