last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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