my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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