I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
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I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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