He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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