first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize