i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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