I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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