that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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