everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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