I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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