Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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