You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
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omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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