Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize