I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's Friday. Sex?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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