You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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