3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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