no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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