dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I looked at my own cervix.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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