he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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