she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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