So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
COCAINE IS GR8
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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