Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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