Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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