I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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