guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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