the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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