a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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