Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
