if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
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And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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