You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
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I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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